Are you a young woman aged 19-24? Has a recent breakup with your boyfriend got you down? You know, Chris/Trevor/Skylar/Dave who was like, totally cute, sensitive, played mandolin in a folk band, and got along with your three cats? That guy? He was your world. He was your rock. He was your ticket to discount city at Urban Outfitters. But now he’s gone and you are sad. Really, really sad. Like finding vodka instead of water in your Brita sad.
Do you spend hours alone in your bathtub eating carbohydrates and crying along to For Emma, Forever Ago? We know, sister, we’ve all been there. You may be showing signs of clinical depression. However, even worse than the bouts of crippling self-doubt, loss of interest in friends, and difficulty getting out of bed, is fitting into those skinny jeans that are so “in” right now!
Well, now you can have it all: A life-altering, clinically diagnosed disease; sugary sweet empty calories; pants; and Justin Vernon’s heart-wrenching, loon-like wails.
The Bon Iver “Skinny Love” Cinnabon Depression Sweatpants are the latest in post-college breakup apparel technology. Woven from actual tear-soaked strands of Justin Vernon’s beard, the pants will be on your body the entire time you teeter closer and closer to the edge of hara-kiri and/or a diabetic coma! Yes, with the Bon Iver “Skinny Love” Cinnabon Depression Sweatpants, you can stuff your face with as many cinnamon rolls as it takes to stop feeling emotion (clinical trials indicate this occurs after 12-14 individual rolls) while still having pants that don’t vaporize the minute your bloated, walrus-like body touches them! And the best part? They vibrate along to any Bon Iver song!
You heard right: Go ahead and light some candles and flick on that purposefully vintage-looking record player. Our patented Vernon-brate™ fibers will gently pulsate along to specific frequencies only generated by Vernon’s melodramatic croon. “My my my my my,” indeed!
Get your pair of Bon Iver “Skinny Love” Cinnabon Depression Sweatpants now for the low, low price of $59.99! And if you call within the next 30 minutes, we’ll throw in a set of our Iron and Wine Hopelessly Alone Steel Wine Glasses! After your marathon junk food session, nothing hits the spot like some Sam Beam and red wine, right, ladies?
The Bon Iver “Skinny Love” Cinnabon Depression Sweatpants. Because self-loathing has no bottoms!
By Sharath Verghese
*sweatpants pictured may not be actual pants
**actual sweatpants may not exist