“WE’VE GOT PARTY KANGAROO IN THE HOUSE”
- The Stafford Brothers during their performance at the 27th Annual Arias
It’s seems almost redundant for a thirty year old music fiend on a fairly lean diet of popular music to review the ARIAS as an event. It’s clearly not for me. The ARIA Week showcases, by comparison, are in real venues and showcase (as a broad rule) actual talent worthy of excitement and scrutiny. Despite being held in the same city as the ARIAS, they’re a world away, culturally. There was nothing about the 27th Annual ARIAS that bore any similitude to watch people seethe like a cauldron in front of the stage at the Standard to the music of DZ Deathrays. Samantha Jade, wearing as little as possible and shambling through a routine with whoever she managed to scrape off the beaches of the north shore, had nothing in common with the ghostly heartache of Thelma Plum. So like most people, between the vacant banter, a nerves-ravaged red carpet interviewer and a gallery of contenders for ‘Lowest TV Moment Ever’—at the hands of the Samsung Galaxy Gear (an “essential” phone/watch/camera)—I had a fairly ordinary time. So I enlisted someone else to watch with me. Someone who might understand some of the things I clearly wouldn’t. Someone who would greet Guy Sebastian with enthusiasm and upon hearing the title quote would coolly remark “well, they have to provide something for the little kids I suppose”. I enlisted by Mum. Her wisdom is listed chronologically:
ON THE EVENT/PEOPLE:
- “it has to be an ego trip for these people”
- “How did these people get to where they are?”
“It has to be modelled on the American model of ‘look at me, look at me’…”
- “Make a mention of the background, the waffle thing. It’s distracting.”
ON BIRDS OF TOKYO
- “repetitive”
- “monotonous”
- “chanting disguised as popular music”
“non-musical”
ON THE SINGING LADY IN VANCE JOY’S RIPTIDE CLIP
- “Is she okay? That’s what ice does to you”
ON VANCE JOY
- “Is he for real? We’ll never hear from him again. It’s appalling really…”
ON SAMANTHA JADE
- “Yep. I think we’ve got the gist of her.”
ON FLUME
- “Look how he’s holding the award, it’ll stab him through the heart if he keeps bending down to the microphone like that. Then that’s the end of him.”
- “Phlegm. Cough it up.”
- “Yeah but pull the plug on him and he’s nothing.”
- “So he does those sounds with his fingers…and he can keep a beat with his head.”
- “I feel sorry for those classical players in support of these no-talents. It’d be good money though.”
- “Bloody hell him again. Celebration of the nerd year”
- [On Isabella Manfridi in Flume’s Live Performance] “She’s posturing. I like that.”
ON GUY SEBASTIAN
- “He’s talented. He can genuinely play the piano and sing.”
- “He’s alright, Guy.”
ON THE SNIPPET OF SHEPPARD’S ‘LET ME DOWN EASY’ VIDEO
- “J. J. Richards. They made that video in front of a compost bin.”
ON KATE PECK
- “She needs a good feed.”
ON BLISS AND ESO’S LIVE SHOW, AFTER THEY DROP THE F-BOMB
- “Well I got that word but I couldn’t work out anything else they’re saying. Electricity. There, got that one too.”
ON CODY SIMPSON
- “Look its Peter Gabriel.“
ON RICHARD WILKINS
- “They must’ve used a shoe horn to get him into that suit…Jesus. Look at that hair.”
ON AIR SUPPLY’S ‘LOVE AND OTHER BRUISES’ ALBUM COVER
- “They’ve got their Taekwondo outfits on. [Laughs] They’re only white belts.
ON MOLLY MELDRUM
Mum: Now Molly Meldrum…he’s a broken man.
Me: Is he? What do you mean broken?
Mum: Well he fell of a roof. Christmas decorations.
ON ILLY
- “At least his t-shirt’s clean.”
ON TAME IMPALA
- “These guys look like something out of the 70s”
ON KRAM INEXPLICABLY DEMANDING THE CROWD STAND UP
- “Oh look, he’s making the crowd levitate. Now that’s power (sarcastic)”
ON LORDE
- “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
*Authors Note: Despite wanting to stay out of this, there were two amazing moments during these ARIAS that bear repeating:
- The amazingly shambolic acceptence speeches of Tame Impala, the two best parts of which belong to Jay Watson. The first where he stands side on to the mic with a wary leer, drinking on stage, and says “thanks to everyone who work so hard while we lounge around eating soft cheese” . And the second, after they perform when Kevin’s still barefoot and says: “Kevin’s going to melt it down into liquid silver and make himself a pair of shoes”
- The shamelessly gratuitous red carpet shot of Bonnie Anderson that started on her breast and then reluctantly panned up to her face. Just in case it got too classy. It came in right near the end of proceedings and somehow captured the feeling in the room.
and his mum for Cool Accidents
