THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS PLAYLIST (Houseparty Dancefloor Edition)

1. AZZ EVERYWHERE – Big Freedia

As Freedia stresses almost 50 times with desperate cries of “ass everywhere”, a clean workstation is paramount for a productive working environment. How can you hope to manage an effective workplace when there is clutter on every useable surface? Sparing just two minutes a day tidying asses and other hazards could save you hundreds of dollars a month.

 

2. SEXY LADIES – Justin Timberlake

Similarly, the area around your workstation should be kept at an acceptable level of cleanliness. If, like Timberlake, you “got sexy ladies all over the floor”, then clean them up. It’s important to remember that this is everyone’s workplace and should be used respectfully. All sexy ladies and smouldering men left on the floor should be put away after use.

3. HOT IN HERRE – Nelly

Q: Does the following statement comply with occupational health and safety regulations: “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes”

A: No. If audited, Nelly could be immediately closed for up to two months and fined in excess of $2000 for operating in an unsafe work environment. Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) should be worn at all times. No exceptions Nelly. For further information consult “Hand in Glove” by The Smiths.

4. TOXIC – Britney Spears

All hazardous substances, including Britney Spears, should be stored in a dry, lockable area. If you possess the relevant permits to allow the use of Britney Spears in your workplace, handling and use may only occur under qualified supervision and while wearing the appropriate PPE (see above).

 

5. TURN ME ON – David Guetta (feat. Nicki Minaj)

Always read the safety instructions before turning on machinery.

Never was a more urgent message delivered with such bone-chilling sincerity than Minaj’s plea: “Come on and turn me on. I’m too you young to die, come on and turn me on”. Whether as complex as Minaj’s life-like exterior or as rudimentary as Guetta’s 3-note keyboard, all machines must be approached with caution.

6. U CAN’T TOUCH THIS – MC Hammer

Even before he was officially ordained, Hammer was a preacher. Here he reminds us to take careful note of signage in the workplace. This especially applies in industries involving poisons, organic waste, machinery, hot surfaces and sharp objects. Widely used and vitally important in break room fridges.

 

 
7. WORKING DAY AND NIGHT – Michael Jackson

Many a tribunal has heard excuses for unpaid overtime. Employers beware. Jackson complains: “scratch my shoulder it’s aching”, “I’ll be workin’ from sun up to midnight”, “you say that workin’ is what a man’s supposed to do but I say it ain’t right” and “I’m so tired, so tired now”. While hearsay, if Jackson was to consult with colleagues and build a case against the company, then things could get Bad. Even Dangerous.

ADDITIONAL HAZARDS TO AVOID: ‘Big drops’, ‘scratching’, ‘mashups’ and any beats that can be described as ‘killer’ or ‘sick’.

For Cool Accidents