WHAT: An Excuse to Get Loose (Island Records Showcase)/Chugg Entertainment and The Music Showcase

WHERE: Oxford Arts Factory/The Beresford Upstairs

Elements Of The Beach Themed Island Records Showcase That Were Crumpled Around The Oxford Arts Factory Like a Hawaiian Shirt On a British Tourist: 

-          The Little Mermaid being projected on the wall, stage left.

-          Surfing video on a tiny TV, suspended to the right of the bar.

-          Small glass room, with two clumps of organic matter in two corners and a sunset pasted on the back wall.

-          The wilting plastic palms, standing semi-erect at knew height with visible signs of re-use.

-          Playing songs like ‘Drop it Like It’s Hot’ and other Resort Rock favourites.

Elements Of The Beach-Themed Island Records Showcase That Actually Made the Party Feel Oceanic:

-Central Poles coated in danger colours, invoking a ‘Not Safe to Swim’ feeling on the dancefloor.

- Bodies flooding into the band room so fast before The Cairos so as to mimic an estuarine tide.

- Stealthy, thoughtful photographers moving through the crowd in a way most accurately described as ‘sharking’.

- Industry’s tendency to talk/network/congratulate/castigate in small circles, most accurately described as ‘rockpooling’

- Unmoving red globes, making the space possess the ambient terror of a Peter Benchely film set.

Chosen Deity that Tuesday’s Music Feast Chose to Honour:

-          SONOS, God of Noise.

Amount of Times the Holy Name of SONOS Was Displayed in Reverence Around the Venue

-          12

Summary Review of SONOS, God of Noise by One of his Acolytes, the Heretically Named ‘Christian’:

-          “It’s all pretty cool…I think so anyway”

Common Words Used by Christian That I Was Way Too Embarrassed To Get Clarification On:

-          “Firmware”

-          “Linux”

 

Drink Names at the OAF Named After People I Would Most Like to Meet:

-          Easy E

-          Chuck D

-          Van Gough

-          Biggie Smalls

-          The Buzzcocks

-          The Flaming Lips

-          Burt Reynolds

Drink Names at the OAF Named After People I Would Definitely Not Like to Meet:

-          Twisted Sister

-          Don Julio

-          Andy Warhol

-          The Penetrator

THE CAIROS

“This is our new single, I think, coming out some time next year…”

Things That Can Be Reliably and Accurately Reported Back to SONOS, God Of Noise About the Cairos

-They will not damage your bountiful sound systems for their chords are smooth, yea verily.

- They shan’t disappoint your waves of sine. They may be relied upon to strike no less than three chords to every mortal heartbeat

- They are young men, pure of the heart, pouring the all of themselves out upon the Alter. They are truly ready to be ordained into the Kingdom of Noise.

Most Memorable Quote from the Pre-Comedienne Comedian:

Some Words the Comedienne Used on the Crowd To Make Them Laugh:

-          “Prostitution shenanigans”

-          “I wasn’t abused as a child”

-          “Completely socially inept”

-          “I didn’t get any work from my internship”

-          “I’m too socially awkward to make a Powerpoint Presentation from home”

-          “There’s a serial killer called the Craigslist killer”

-          “Am I a horrible person or does nothing really matter in the end anyway?”

-          “If you’re thinking of becoming a prostitute, follow your dreams”

Data Set Comparison of Crowd Noise vs. Comedienne:

CHANCE WATERS

“This is a brand new song. It comes out on Friday”

Most Memorable Quote from Chance Waters:

-          “This song’s about a ticket inspector that beat up my little brother…it’s called The Ticket Inspector.”

Number of People Who Find the Special Guest/Core Performance Relationship (Gossling on Chance Waters) Linguistically Satisfying:

-          1

Other Musical Collaborations That the ‘Gossling on Chance Waters’ Collaboration Inspired in the Author:

-          Gorillaz and the Screaming Trees

-          Volcano Choir and Explosions in the Sky

-          The Boat People and Frank Ocean

-          Severed Heads and The Knife

Things That Chance Waters’ Flawless Smile Could Easily Convince Me Of:

-          That I really am on a beach somewhere

-          That the year could be 1963 and Chance leads a highly lucrative and popular Rhythm and Blues band called ‘Chance and the Dappled Waters’

Things That Chance Waters’ Flawless Smile Failed To Convince Me Of:

-          That he has “been around the world and seen a couple of things” (Said in the slurring, parabolic intonation of radio-friendly Hip-Hop)

Number of Times Chance Waters says “Hope You Guys Like It”:

-3

Two Signs Passed On the Way From the Oxford Arts Factory to the Beresford Upstairs

In a Further Show of Omniscience, The Amount of Times the Holy Name of SONOS Was Displayed in Reverence Around the Venue:

-6

LIME CORDIALE

“This song’s off our new EP, which is for sale off a little desk at the front”

Incongruous Genres That Lime Cordiale Somehow Embody at Various Moments:

-          Slacker punk

-          Garage Rock

-          Ska

-          Jangly Folk Rock

Elements of the Beresford Upstairs That Make Me Think That Most of What Goes on There Occurs Behind Close Doors

-          Large neon arrows, directing people towards exits, suggestive of a volume and nature of clientele that seemed altogether phantom.

-          Stairwells wide enough for two horses side by side.

-          The opulent booths strewn through the upstairs area like a roofless luxury train.

-          Downstairs Kubrik inspired 60s space lounge.

-          Bar tender that served me effortlessly at both the upstairs and downstairs bar (Either secret corridors or witchcraft—unlikely to be both)

-          Walls of some expensive, dark wood (seemingly impervious to incriminating stains)

-          Complete lack of concern with efficiency (as evidenced in their lighting design)

 

For Cool Accidents