Homer Simpson: Oh why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa Simpson: You won a Grammy.
Homer Simpson: I mean an award that’s worth something.
[announcement on the bottom of the screen- Legal Disclaimer: Mr. Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don’t consider the Grammy an award at all]
- The Simpsons, Season 11, Episode 12.
The 56th Annual Grammy Award nominees have been announced. You may have heard. Perhaps. No, don’t get up or anything. There is really no need to bat an eyelid. For the most famous music award in the world, the Grammy is kind of synonymous with a great, steaming, gold-plated turd. And though it is nice to have an award that covers comedy, spoken word, remixes, surround sound, opera and just about anything you can put in a record player, as far as music awards go, the Grammys are essentially meaningless, and definitely the weakest link in the EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) quadfecta.
This year’s list of nominees have provided just some more reasons why the Grammys are a load of bullshit.
1. There are 82 categories this year, many indecipherable. These include:
2. ‘Traditional Pop’
3. 'Traditional R&B’
4. 'Urban Contemporary’ (which is distinct from 'R&B’ and 'Rap’. Make of that what you will)
5. 'New Age’, whatever that is.
6. 'Best Contemporary Christian Music Song’. (Last time I checked, calling something 'Music Song’ is a tautology. There’s some good grammar, Grammys.)
7. 'Best Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package’.
8. 'Best Recording Package’ (but no 'Best Cover Art’ category)
9. 'Best Album Notes’
10. 'Best Historical Album’
11. Every genre has at least 4 categories. Even Country.
12. James Blake and Ed Sheeran are considered 'New Artists’
13. There’s apparently a difference between 'Record of the Year’ and 'Song of the Year’ despite the fact that all the 'Record of the Year’ nominees are singles.
14. Sara Bareilles, Daft Punk, Macklemore, Taylor Swift and Kendrick Lamar are all nominated for the same award.
15. There’s a difference between 'Performance’ and 'Recording’ that seems indiscernible.
16. The National, Tame Impala, Vampire Weekend and Nine Inch Nails are considered the same genre: 'Alternative’.
17. There are five Christian music award categories.
18. Daft Punk and Bruno Mars received the same number of nominations
19. 'Blurred Lines’ is nominated for three awards.
20. A song called 'I Drive Your Truck’ is nominated for two awards.
But as much as The Simpsons producers and I find the Grammys a joke, there are some redeeming features to this year’s list of nominees:
Some cool Aussies were recognised including Hiatus Kaiyote, Tim Minchin and Tame Impala.
They actually recognise producers and sound engineers, both classical and non-classical.
They also recognise Opera, classical, orchestral, choral and chamber music
And finally, Stephen Colbert was nominated for a Grammy. So, it’s not all bullshit.
So when it comes to the Grammys, do what you did with the ARIAs, the MTV VMAs, the J Awards, the YouTube Music Awards and every other music award series out there: forget they were even happening, Google the winners, say 'eh’ and move on with your life.
-Nat Tencic for Cool Accidents
